Did you know that was my parent's pet name for me growing up as a little girl?
How are you feeling? Why? Do you want to talk about it? When are you going to go see [your friend]? You want to have him over here? Is there a reason? Maybe you could invite [your friends] to do something? Is there anyone else you can think to invite over on Saturday? Do you want me to find other activities for me to do, Saturday night? Is it too late to start inviting people now? Why don't you ask me more questions? Sometimes I wish you would because it would be a shorter, more effective solution to the situation than allowing me to mime out what I'm trying to say. Has this been difficult for you? Would you feel better if I wasn't doing the vow of quiet, and was able to speak more freely? Do you feel loved? If you started to have a problem with the project, would you tell me? Yes, by you. Have you been reading my blog? What do you want and/or need right now?
Five questions from my friend Jillian, a fellow writer and spoonie
Wednesday, October 16th, 2013
If you had to choose between the simple
dichotomy of a. restrictive b. liberating as words to describe the
experience of self-displicined and enforced quiet, would you tend more
towards a. or b.?
Considering your wording, and accepting the dichtomy (false or not) I would say the experience tends toward restrictive, but there are many liberating aspects.
Does the removal of the audible self-reflective
portion of creation enhance the flow of a project or make ideas harder
to parse out?
The wedding project I am doing for a friend has been my creative focus and questions to the bride account for a majority of my language based on-line communication.
For personal projects, they seem to progress as usual, unaffected by my inability to think out loud. Though the Vow of Quiet did require I put certain recording projects on hold.
The social experiment itself and what I've read
in your words seems to suggest that the social element of the creative
process makes it hard to reveal yourself,
do you the think the disconnect is between your words and the ability of
language to convey meaning, or between the way you present your words
and the phrasing of them?
This question took the longest for me to write an answer. The first part of your question seems to be about self censorship, and the second part is more a question about syntax and semantics.
The first part of my response is to say that I believe the relevant disconnect is between truth and beauty.
Secondly, I think it's a matter of taste. Somewhere in space and time, there's an ideal audience for my work, and it's probably not my family and Facebook friends.
Do you feel that the sanctuary of your inner self has been indelibly altered by this experiment?
I have participated in vows of quiet and silence a fair number of times in the last 15 years. I'd say my fascinating with them are an expression of my inner self, and my self has been altered as much as it ever is by the living of life and the making of art.
If you had to construct a functionally-opposite version of this social
experiment, how would you describe it and to whom do you think it would
have the most value?
I would be unable to communicate by any other means than verbal (no internet posts except video and audio). With phone communication it would be no texts, only phone calls, Skype / Facetime, or sending short video messages of me speaking.
I would categorize it as another "transparency project" in the same vein as this project, but with very little publicity beforehand, with a single, reflective personal essay at the end based on private journal entries kept for the duration of the project.
I would say those who'd stand the most to benefit from such an experiment are the people who secretly feel lonely, whose phone numbers are in my contact list, who feel enough affection toward me to appreciate a spontaneous voice mail message or phone chat.
Eight questions from Emily, my friend and fellow poet, about the Vow of Quiet:
Friday, October 11th, 2013
How has the vow of quiet affected your dreams?
Any changes would have more than one possible culprit.
Do you dream of silent nuns?
I wouldn’t know; I seldom remember more than the faces.
Do you find yourself more drawn to lilies after taking the vow of quiet?
No. Lilies remind me of funerals, and nothing about funerals has become more appealing in the last week.
Do you ever speak accidentally, in fragments?
Yes. I often have to transcribe, from memory, things I accidentally say to the cats. Once I woke from sleep asking, “Is dinner ready?”, but fell asleep again before transcribing it, and then made an artistic choice not to include that in the transcript because no one was there to hear it.
Are animals more drawn to you since taking the vow of quiet?
The only animals I have contact with are cats, who were already drawn to me, to a degree there would be no room for measurable increase. Ziggy Stardust needs to sit on my lap constantly, and I don’t think there’s anything more than constantly.
Has your sense of smell become stronger?
Perhaps. Sometimes I experience intense smells that do not relate to what’s happening; however, this could be a symptom of an oncoming migraine. Frequently I worry that I can smell poop more than usual, but I live in a small apartment with two cats, so it’s possible one of them has taken a particularly nasty crap. Also I worry that I may smell like poop since I do have fecal incontinence.
Do you find yourself alone more?
I am alone most of the time anyway, so no. However, if chatting with friends and family online is relevant, then yes.
My childhood friend is becoming my new pen pal, and in her first letter, she included a packet of her favorite tea, because I mentioned tea in my last letter, but she obviously doesn’t know I’m allergic to ginger.
Yes but not to walk back as well. Is this the last week of the farmer’s market? I want to go, but I am too tired to do that walk.
Excuse me, I have been expecting two packages that haven’t arrived, one with red and white stripes, can you help me? They are from Stevens Point. They were sent over a week ago. They called their post office, who told her to tell me to ask my mail carrier. So where do I go from here? Just wait?
Thank you. Yes. I am Mario’s girlfriend. Alexis. He’s told me about you, and your cats. Yes. We have cats; one is a few months old and one is a few years old. I love cats in windows. Thank you again for helping me find the mail carrier. Have a good day.
No, but she likes to knock the rocks out of the yellow dish and that’s how her whiskers got singed. So I decided we should stop putting rocks around the candles.
I went outside to check the mail, and I looked around for the mail man, and the neighbor saw me, and she asked, “Are you looking for the mailman?” And without thinking I said, “Yes.” And she pointed him out, and I ran over, and I had a whole exchange with the mailman, unrecorded. And then as I was walking back to the house, actually jogging back to the house, she stopped me for a chit chat. And I didn’t even realize it had happened until, like, an hour later when suddenly I thought to myself, I have to transcribe whatever I can remember of that, because I didn’t expect to see anyone when I went outside to check the mail.
Hey! Hey!
Oh god.
Tonight or tomorrow I'm going to deposit the cash that I have been waiting for dad to get from me. Either tonight or tomorrow, I want to go to the [dollar store], the party store, and [the craft store] to get supplies because I offered to help [my friend's] with their wedding favors. If I go tonight, yes, but I might wait until tomorrow when you are out of town.
*Do you want to come with me?
My last recording got deleted by my phone. Do you remember what the last thing I was saying out loud was? I remember asking, "Do you want to come with me?"
Would you take fifty cents for this? Would you take fifty cents for this?
Was that specifically the church that I was baptized in?
May I have-?
Oh no, would you get me a napkin?
Will you pour me a large glass of prune juice?
If you read blogs generally or at all, you should read my blog. If my blog were the most important artistic expressive output that I had, you should read my blog. If you want one location to see a concise summary of what’s happening with the Vow of Quiet, then you should read my blog. But... you are not obligated, by any means, to read my blog.
Where is your mineral oil? We are going to have to do multiple treatments, so that size bottle is a good idea. Do you know why the flag is at half mast today?
I feel guilty for asking, but is it still alright if I record the things I say to you? Would you like to be with your friends tonight? Would you like to go over to [your friend’s] tonight or have him over here? Would you like me to suspend the vow of quiet until another time? Would you feel more comfortable having him, or [another friend] over if I were at my parent’s, or if I stayed in the bedroom? Do you want me to stay here while you go? Yeah, it’s OK. Did you know I wrote a song about a woman that I know who killed herself? I believe so, yes. No, but, our paths crossed in many ways.
My underwear are in the bathtub.
Do you think you’ll go anywhere tonight? Would you like me to come with you to [the pizza place]? Would you prefer just to bike over there alone tonight? Will you call [your friend] tonight? Will you call [your friend] before you talk to [the pizza place]? Is there anything in particular you would like to do now before you call [your friend]? Is there anyone else you need to tell? Do you remember that you are always allowed to ask me questions whenever you need to? Is there anything else I can do? Are you sure it’s OK if the things I’ve been saying go in the transcript? Should I censor out people’s names?
That’s fine.
Of course.
I will post one day at a time. Punctuality isn’t important. But, each day will be presented on the blog as a single post, whether the post occurs at the end of that day or several days later in a group of posts, each of a single day.
Do you want help working through the pain or numbing the pain? Yes, I hear it. Would it be weird to have pizza for dinner?
So I wrote something. Do you want to hear it? Do you want to hear it even if it’s sad?
Kitties.
No, I did not finish the guest book. I was considering finishing it tonight, but now I think I’d like to sit in the bed next to you. Would you be able to sleep with that bedside light on? Is there any light source you can sleep through? Is there a light source in another room that I could bring in, that would be softer and dimmer than that? No. Is there anything you want me to do while I shut off the lights?
We’ll try and if it doesn’t work out, like other nights before, we’ll pick her up and put her outside and shut the door.
Questions from Jamie, my friend and collaborator, about the vow of quiet planned for October 2013:
"How long this time?"
Two weeks. Only four days longer than last year.
"No speaking at all? What does [your partner] say?"
No; it's not a vow of silence, it's a vow of quiet. Mario
asked me a series of questions and I answered them.
"So what does this vow of quiet entail?"
No
verbal communication except to ask and answer questions, and everything
I say has to be recorded either with audio, video, or transcript. Online I can only post original photos and videos, so only content I generate specifically for the occassion. The
transcript of everything I say cannot exceed 20 pages, or the length an
average person can read in a single sitting, whichever is shorter. All
written communication has to be recorded with photographs or videos,
and the entire text has to be visible and readable in a single
image/video.
Questions from Mario, my romantic partner, about the vow of quiet planned for October 2013:
"How will you communicate with me?"
Most commonly with hand gestures and facial expressions. When explanation is required, with written notes. Also, I can ask and answer questions if records are kept of the communication.
"Are you facebooking or talking on the internet?"
I can post original photos and videos. I can ask and answer questions (with documentation). "Are you trying to keep your answers short?"
Yes. I will strive for brevity.
"Are you going to avoid status updates?"
I can post images and videos of words, or the documentation of another interaction. I can ask questions (with documentation). I can only post content I have produced. "Are you going to do a public announcement before you do this? Do you think that's important?"
Yes and no. This piece is about the tension between public and private identity, about the ideas of transparency and truth in the modern, digital age. So an "audience" is part of the piece as a whole. However it is also personal, and though I invite an audience they may not attend.
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